Step-by-Step Guide on How to Lowkey Cry In Public:
Crying in public is often frowned upon. No one wants to address the sobbing, emotionally stunted elephant in the room. Especially when the room is a public elevator and the elephant is a single white female who just got cut off from her parent's health care. A quick public meltdown doesn't have to make you a social pariah. A methodical approach to your cry sesh might not only make you feel better, but it could also aid in making society take one step further into fully embracing public displays of complex emotions.
Step One: Find Your Sad
Like a young thespian getting ready to nail the emotional climax of a High School production of Cats, you've got to find the sadness inside of you. For some, it may take no time at all to burst into a steady stream of tears. For others, it may take some time to dig deep into your emotional trenches to find something worth sobbing about. Either way, if I know one thing to be universally true, it's that lying dormant in each and every one of us is some profoundly depressing garbage. So in the words of my summer camp drama coach, "Use it." Let it rip. Don't let the fact that you are in a TJ-Maxx keep the pipes in your eyes from bursting.
Step Two: Find An Appropriate Place to Feel Your Sad
In a perfect world, we could cry anywhere and everywhere. Life would be a lot more manageable if we all could sob about how we never really followed our dreams of becoming musicians while in line for jury duty. Unfortunately, there are some places that are off-limits for a waterworks show. Try to avoid professional settings like your office board room or a job interview. It may also be wise to keep your emotions to yourself at family gathers like baby showers, your younger cousins quinceanera, and midnight mass on Christmas Eve. God forbid you run the risk of having to hear, "Juliet, must you make the birth of the Lord about you? Stop crying!" Instead, try something like the soft cushion of the packed seat on a suburban commuter train, a small museum on field trip day, or your favorite local coffee shop.
Step Three: Sad but Make It Fashion
While I'm not exactly pro-hiding-your-feelings, I still understand some people might struggle with weeping in public. If you aren't quite ready to make the leap into whimpering with an audience you can always don a fresh pair of shades. Yes, even indoors you can rock a sleek pair of sunglasses to shield your tears from the nosy onlookers. What if you look silly wearing sunglasses inside or at night, you ask? Well, don't ask me, ask a Secret Service agent, the cast of Jersey Shore, or Bono. That's a pretty good company to associate yourself with. If all else fails, you can always fall upon the good old, "Just got my eyes dilated" standby.
Step Four: Make it a Stranger's Problem
One time, I cried in public and a stranger felt so sorry for me that he gave me a $25 Chipotle gift card. Could this be a lucrative career? If you are daring enough to try it, attempt to make your public outburst someone else's problem. Simply sit in a room with only one other person and make audible sadness sounds until they engage in conversation with you. Once they do, give them a sob story that will pull at their heartstrings. Odds are you might walk away with some sort of trinket a kind stranger has bestowed in the hope you'll stop bothering them. Now I know what you are thinking: Is this just glorified grifting? Lucky for you, it's not grifting if it comes from real, pathetic, emotional turmoil.
Step Five: Walk Away As If Nothing Happened
Like being in nature, the most crucial part of crying in public is to leave things the way you found them. Once you've pulled yourself together, disappear into the mist leaving onlookers confused but ultimately unchanged. Be sure to bring with you any belongings, in order to avoid the nasty hassle of having to return to the scene of the cry. Tidy any items you might have disturbed from your emotional breakdown and pick up any rogue tissues you might have massacred. Purchase the discounted blouse that you found in the sale section and proudly exit that TJ-Maxx. Congratulations! You have successfully navigated being an adult who can't keep their emotions in check in a public forum. Your reward is a fresh box of Kleenex, which you richly deserve.