What she says V.S. what she means...

Women! So complex. They're like a Rubix cube of purses, lipstick and emotional complexity - right? Ugh! Like when a girl says, "Jerry, please, listen to the words I'm saying, your sexual advances at this, a Long John Silver's express on the side of Route 40, are making me uncomfortable and are not reciprocal. Please stop doing this, your family misses you, go get help." What does she REALLY mean? How can you ever learn how to understand lady folk when they're just so dang complicated?

1. "I Lost 10 pounds in one month from clean eating, healthy living and a daily exercise regiment!" Really means: "I've just been broken up with and my diet consists exclusively of putting cold french fries in my mouth, letting them sit there until I gag, and then letting them dribble down my pale, lifeless, face."

2. "I'm gonna make out with that man across the bar with an "Assassins Creed" tattoo because I'm a modern woman like Lena Dunham and I know what I want!"

Really means: "I have low self worth right now, and that dude looks like a jack-up street magician but he is likely drunk enough to not feel my tears."

3. "I'm thinking about doing a cleanse"

Really means: "My colon has been acting real weird lately, but instead of doing anything pro-active about it I'm just gonna put off going to the doctor until I get so ungodly ill that I have to be rushed to urgent care. In the meantime I'm gonna eat upwards of 30 Twizzlers a day and post an Instagram of a green smoothie that I will throw straight in the trash"

4. "You're really good at that"

Really means: "You're like a solid C+ at that. I can tell you learned that move in a weird porno that you found in the "funny" section and I'm not impressed, but you have a fragile ego and society tells me that sex is a man's game. I'm merely a step above a hand jibber and I'm okay with that because you have pretty eyes."

5. "I'll never love again!"

Really means: "I have a very low standards for who I'll fall in love with. Give me 5 hours, a gatorade, a fully charged phone with Tinder loaded on it, and a bunch of Sara Bareille's songs."

#satire #women

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