5 Inanimate Objects that Would Be a Better Boyfriend than that Asshat Zeke


Let’s face it, Zeke is a Grade-A douche canoe. Your friends hate him and your mother wants to engulf a to scale effigy of him in flames on your front yard in some sort of old world hexing ritual. You want nothing more than to wife that personified pair of second hand cargo shorts. When he ignores your texts for three days only to send you saucy 3:00 A.M. drunk snapchat you excuse his behavior. You compare it to the actions of a goofy lovable dork in a Judd Apatow movie. But here’s the thing, Judd Apatow leading men suck and so does Zeke. (Judd if you’re reading this, and I know you are, write a better dude love interest, I’m like 35% sure Seth Rogen can handle it.) Here’s 5 inanimate objects that I think will be far better emotional partner for you…

  1. A Weathered Bernie Sanders Lawn Sign...

The two of you have so much hope. You had hope that Zeke would make at least one solid decision. By the end, you would have settled for that decision being Qdoba over Chipotle for lunch. The Lawn sign had hope for a “Future to Believe In”. The two of you will share months, if not years, lamenting the crushing blow of your hope being shattered to tiny little pieces. You’ll watch documentaries about how the government is watching us. Maybe you’ll even join a grassroots campaign for a cute young independant candidate who will most likely lose to a corrupt rich white dude. Did I mention all hope was lost? But that’s okay, because now you’re in love and no one can take that away from you!

2. A Weathered Al Gore Lawn Sign…

See all of the above. Keep in mind that you’ll receive some real weird stares. This Al Gore sign is bound to be way out of shape and easily a good 16 years older than you but c’mon those looky-loos can’t even begin to understand this fiery love affair. Who knows, maybe the two of you will be the new “it couple” once the 2020 election rolls around. Looking at you Al Gore.

3. Just a Pile of Garbage on the Side of I-95

Zeke was a literal pile of garbage to begin with so there won’t really feel like much of a change here. The one big change though is that the I-95 knows it’s garbage. It doesn’t put on airs for the first three dates and then once it knows it’s got you in its clutches, farts in bed and traps you under the covers. I-95 Garbage farts in bed on the first date, and you accept it because at least garbage is being real with you. If you end up getting tired of I-95 Garbage you can always drop it off in ME, VT, CT, MA, NY, OR, and IA for 5 cents. You won’t have love but you’ll basically be a mogul with all the money you’ll be raking in.

4. A Toy Alf Watch from a 1989’s Happy Meal That Doesn’t Actually Work…

Holy shit will you have fun with this one. It’s gonna be a non-stop nostalgic party train. Is that a laugh track you hear or is that just your heart fluttering with love? You won’t have to worry about this one calling you their ex’s name in bed. The Toy Alf Watch just wants to make you laugh and is gonna be dunking one liner after one liner. So what, the Toy Alf Watch doesn’t work? Neither did Zeke, unless you count his freelance stand up career which left him “too busy” to ask you how your day is going. Added bonus: Toy Alf Watch isn’t afraid to hold your hand in public, that’s literally it’s only job.

5. Your Braces That For Some Reason Your Dad Kept....

Yes, it’s bad to backslide. It can be tricky to go back to an ex, but at least your braces know you. They know not to make fun of the mole on your shoulder or that you thrash in your sleep - in fact they think those things are cute. You don’t have to waste time getting to know and subsequently getting disappointed by braces. Braces knows you, warts and all. Speaking of warts, Zeke has warts, probably. UGH, Zeke is the worst why are you even still thinking about him. Just date your god damn braces and get over him like the emotional stable and sane person you are. Seriously, why did your Dad keep these?


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